horriblegirl's Blog

i am listening to the smiths, writing a poem about my rabbit, trying out a new face moisturiser, and on here, all at once.

im soon going to be volunteering for this suicide prevention organisation, im excited that maybe ill be able to help somebody. i wont start there until the new year, and i have to do a training course first. im not qualified to give out advice or anything, but the point of the job i will be doing is just basically to listen and keep an open mind. i think that sometimes people really do have no one they can turn to. recently two people i knew in the past killed themselves, its so sad to think that these people who i once considered friends, had found themselves in such a lonely place, and i felt like if only i had shown some kindness that might be all a person needs to get through the bad feelings. depression, sadness, i believe that they come , and go , in waves. if only people could hold on a little longer, or realise that just around the corner something amazing may be coming.

and i wonder about my father, maybe he was going through a really bad time, but who knows, 1 week later things might have been 100% better, and life would have gone on.

the people i really want to help and talk to are the family/loved ones of people who have commited suicide, and help them deal with the feelings of guilt, shame, sadness. it took me almost 20 years to let go of the guilt ove my fathers death, and i wish i could have done it sooner, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

for me, what helped, is that i forgave him. i went to his grave, and said out loud, that i know he didnt mean to cause me pain, and that im not angry any more and i forgive him. it worked. its been about 6 months and i havent even cried about him once. i now realise he was only a young man with a bunch of problems and everything was going bad at once, and he gave up. of course it wasnt all to hurt me. ive been so wrapped up in myself that i actually thought he did it to ME, he wanted to hurt ME, he didnt love ME, he didnt want to live to see ME grow up. but thats ridiculous, i know that now, it was silly of me to think.

im not religious. and ive always believed in nothing but myself and the world in front of me. ive considered myself an athiest ever since i heard that there was such a thing, and i have been very much anti religion. i saw it as brainwashing, mind control, and anyone who believed in god was a fool, or guilty and wanting to clear their concience.

but now that i am getting older, and maybe wiser, i realise that religion is by not the worst thing around. far from it. i think people who are religious mostly are just trying to do the right thing, trying to be good people, and they are not too proud to need a little guidance as to what being a good person entails.

i do think i am a good person already, i treat others with respect, i care about others. but i want to live in a better way. i think i am too selfish, and materialistic. im too vain(i wear makeup, style my hair, and wear clothes to make myself look nice), is this wrong?

i want to help others but i dont know who to help or how. i thought about donating money from my salary to a charity, but i dont earn enough to donate anything substantial. so i think it would be better to actually do something.

i would like to help people who are suicidal, and help them to find a reason to live, because i hate suicide, but then im being selfish again because its because ive been hurt by suicide.

which is probably a good thing. i think one of my biggest problems is that im way too emotional. i still love the person that i have always loved, but its like the love is paused right now. when my emotions arent active i can see more clearly, and can see past my own little world.

on another note, i am disheartened about my career right now. i had a lengthy discussion with a man of the same profession as mine, but who is coming to the end of his career. his words painted a picture of hard work, long hours, high pressure, low respect, average pay. a cut throat industry where only the super ambitious get ahead, and at the expense of stepping all over the rest. the meaning i took from his words- get out while you can, while you still have time to start in another field. though he denied this is what he wanted me to think. this sucks because i love my job. isnt that enough? i enjoy my actual job, and im good at it. i dont aspire to be wealthy. i dont want alot of material things. i dont know wether i will be in this field forever, but i thought for at least the next 5-10 years, and possibly for the rest of my life. im not ambitious at all and no doubt ill be the one being stepped on to get to the top.

over and out.

 

 

its been a week since i saw my ex. we had a fight, as usual, for various reasons, the relationship is total poison. he drove away and left me in the city i had to get a cab home and cried, the driver saw and i was embarrassed, but he was nice and gave me some wise words, he said he he believes women should be taken care of and treated well, because all women are someones daughter,mother, or sister. i think he is right and i deserve that, and I'm certainly not getting treated any decent way by this guy.

i called him a few hours later, i told him i didn't want to see him again and it is over, and i felt like i meant it more than i ever had before. we don't have any reason to see each other now. before id say 'i never want to see you again,' but we lived together and its just impossible to break it off that easily. but now hes moved out, taken most of his things, anything left is not important enough to bother about.

so its been a week and i figure, wow its actually happening, its over... then today he calls(it was private so i didn't know it was him otherwise i might of just not answered) and has nothing in particular to say, just idle chit chat for a few minutes. i don't want to have to be a real bitch and yell and say fuck off! don't call! leave me alone!, i just want us both to move on in separate directions.

then tonight he called again, but i didn't answer (this time it showed on caller ID).

i i sent him a text that said = i don't want to talk to you. I'm not going back to you I'm not going to be hurt anymore. goodbye.

i know you shouldn't break up by text, but believe me Ive tried a million other ways over the past two years and none have worked.

I'm writing this to try and help me remember whats happened, so i don't just forget everything as soon as he comes around says he loves me and is sorry. I'm going to be strong and if this does happen, I'm not going to get emotional, ill calmly ask him to go, and close the door. maybe he wont come around again and it'll be easy.

I've always wanted it to end peacefully, mutually, without us hating each other, but I've realized that will never happen, because if we don't hate each other then we wont stay apart.

 

red is the colour of passion. red is the colour of love, of the heart. its the colour of blood and therefore the colour of life. red it the colour of my anger and my rage.

the colour of the most beautiful rose. red tulips are better.

the colour of the darkroom light. red lips are worth kissing. red signs stop cars. red cars drive fast. red fingernails make touching sexy. red cans of coke, red ribbons in hair.

red is the colour of my love and my hate.. and then they blend into one.

we have broken up for a few months, we no longer live together. but hes still part of my life.

he took me to lunch yesterday and for the first time in so long we had a really great time together, not one single fight, not one tear.

this man is nice and has many good qualitys, he is a good person, he is kind and doesnt intend to hurt anyone. i like having his companionship. i like to talk to him and go places with him. we have alot in common. i wish we were happier together because i would like to stay with him. i dont want to date anyone else. im comfortable with him. though i never want to live with him again, and never want to get too close again.

now that were living apart, his problems dont affect me which is great.

i dont think im ever going to be able to really move on, i love him.

ive given up on the idea of finding a normal relationship and getting married. im never going to have that with him. and to try and have a relationship with someone else would be like livng a lie because i have always loved this one person since the day we met 13 years ago and always will.

what a fun evening i just had with my sister and best friend, went to this old movie theatre, there was only about 7 people in the whole place. saw a trailer for 'a single man', it looks really slick, want to go see that ASAP.

i hate to say it, but it was too long, and it was kinda boring(in my opinion). i love jeff bridges though and i want to like it. id did make me kinda wish i was into country music.

i liked the story but my attention span was not sufficient for this movie. and im sick of movies where crusty old alcoholic men with little to no prospects are irrisistible to fresh intelligent lovely twentysomethings.

i shed a single tear just before the credits rolled. the song from the movie (its called the weary kind) is really beautifu, l im so learning to play it tomorrow.

goodnight, sweet dreams, xxxxxx

im lonely, but i dont want to meet new people in real life.

i have friends family and people i can talk to, but i dont share alot of things with them because maybe im afraid of being judged, maybe its innapropriate, maybe i dont want to bore anyone.

relationships with real life friends can be too much effort, i find that some people expect too much of me.

i do really like people, and i think thats part of the problem, i find almost every person i meet completely intriguing, and i very easily end up making new friends, and i just dont have the time for any more. i have a few that i have kept for years and years and i just want them and no more.

and i dont want to meet any romantic/love interest types, but i always seem to, so i just want to spend my free time on my computer because iits less complicated.

emily xxxx

im in love with someone who breaks my heart over and over again.

i dont think he means to, he is just one of those people who always does the wrong thing. i keep trying to break up and move on, but i always end up back with him. i find so much comfort in hearing his voice on the phone, or being held in his arms. i cant begin to imagine being intimate with anyone else. but he hurts me so much.

i tell him i dont want to see him, but i still listen in hope for the sound of his car outside.

i know that the relationship is damaged beyond repair but i cant seem to let go, and i dont know if i even want to.

i wonder if this can somehow become normal to me, and i can be satisfied with this volatile, confusing mess.